...Today, I stared evil straight in the face...Today, I was stuck behind a soccer mom in traffic...
Blasphemy, you say. Pure evil? A soccer mom? Surely not. They are everywhere and while evil runs rampant in places like Tanzania and SE DC, surely evil is not prevelent in Red Lion...the town named after a bar...There are a few things I'd like to point out...and I'm going to systematically go through all of them...and I think, in the end, you'll agree with me...this was pure evil in a nutshell.
1) Soccer mom driving a massive SUV, a Ford Expedition or something. Don't lie to yourself. This is inherently wrong. There's some sort of genetic marker that just SCREAMS whenever I see a soccer mom talking on a phone with about 5 kids in the back of her car. What I love is watching them fill up their gas tanks...at around 2.20/gallon, they could probably put at least one of their mediocre kids through college AND grad school if they got a fucking Civic.
2) This was no ordinary soccer mom. THIS SOCCER MOM WAS FROM JERSEY. Yes, it's true I live in Pennsylvania, and yes, it's true, we do actually share a common border with the Garden State. HOWEVER, much to my dismay, we're not in Philly people. WTF are they doing in York, 2 hours away? Visiting family? A dying relative? I don't care. Get away with me, you horrible horrible drivers you. A friend of mine once observed that Jersey-ians are actually excellent drivers, in Jersey. Once they cross a state line though it's like they become unaligned with the earth's electro-magnetic field or something and they go into a panic...they're like birds off course, going off the road, swerving, slamming on brakes. Honest to god, I thought I was going to die....
3) She apparently did not know the proper use for brakes. By this I do not mean she didn't use them...I mean she used them in excess. Apparently she was never taught the concept of "tapping" so to make up for her lack of knowledge...she rode her brakes. All the time. Going up hill. Apparently she also never learned the general rule of physics...that rule being that GRAVITY will naturally slow down a car that's moving against it...but hey, whatever, it's OK that you have a line of traffic 5 miles long behind you...you just keep riding those brakes...then go to get them replaced and have the mechanics cheat you out of money. That's right...just another way to keep your kids out of college!!!
4) She had vanity tags. Anyone who actually has vanity tags should be get a) a swift kick in the ass followed immediately by b) a Glock to the temple. As you can tell...I have much, much, much hatred towards vanity tags and those who own them.
5) She had STICKERS ALL OVER HER CAR. It does not matter what the stickers said (though I feel it necessary to point out that it was pro-life and Bush/Cheney stuff)*, people who put an absurd amount of stickers (aka more than 2) on their car really just need to die. It's tacky and completely classless. Furthermore...if you need to show your support in things by putting it on your car...well then, a) you really don't care about it that much or b) you just want people to believe that you care about something besides yourself and your sad, pathetic life. Congratulations, I don't want you supporting ANY organization that I do. I also don't want you breathing my air...people who aren't quite as vapid/shallow as you need it.
* I feel it necessary to clarify, I hate anyone who puts more than 2 stickers on their car...doesn't matter what thos stickers say or what ideas they convey or what ideologies they support...whether its Kerry/Edwards or Bush/Cheney...pro life or pro choice...I hate stickers on cars.
So...in the end...a simple mathematical equation sums it up...1+2+3+4+5+*=EVIL EVIL EEEVVIIILLLLL
On another note...the other day...I was driving behind a Marylander...this is actually a commonly accepted occurance...I mean, I am, what, 20 minutes from the Mason Dixon? Anyways...yeah...so...this guy was driving along on 30 west at around 65 mph...watching TV. As he drove. I'm not kidding. He had a little TV attached to his console and was watching it. How could I tell he was watching it? Well...he was swerving all over the road...and when I passed him...well...his attention was clearly diverted at something slightly downward and to the right...oddly enough...I find myself hoping to god that it was the TV and not something else entirely unseen.
I feel like I shouldn't be thinking, in my head, that this guy was a better driver than Jersey Soccer Mom, just because he didn't cover his car (a BMW) with stickers...
Will someone please hold me while I cry?
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