...but hey, I'll try...
Last night was my first night closing drive thru window at Arby's. Some of you might be thinking "YAY! Ash loves to close! Good for her!" And while yes, it's true, I do love to close usually (a lot of hours, relatively easy since most people don't eat fast food that late) last night was a mixture of the good and the bad, the funny and the painful, the ugly and the shockingly grotesque...
It all began last night around 10:30...one of my fellow workers, Jackie, is a minor. And as all of you who had actual jobs know, minors in Pennsylvania can't work more than like 5 hours without a break and can't work more than 8 hours in a day. So Jackie was closing dining room and absolutely had to be clocked out no later than 10:45 or Dawn (the mgr) would get bitch slapped by the DPW (I swear to god...those people friggin stalk me...they are EVERYWHERE I GO). Now, normally, getting dining room closed by 10:30 isn't a big deal...but this night everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. First off we got customers at like 9:45 who insisted that a) they had every right to sit in the dining room and eat and b) that they could certainly finish in 15 minutes. HOW UTTERLY WRONG THEY WERE. They sat there, eating with all the speed and grace of a giraffe, until appx. 10:15. So Jackie could barely get anything done...she couldn't put up chairs, she couldn't sweep and she had to leave. Who got to finish her crap? If you didn't guess me, clearly you are on crack and do not know who's blog you are reading.
OK...so in addition to getting all of my stuff done, I had to do about half of her crap. OK. Cool. Whatever, I'm a pro at closing dining room and I got it all done in about 20 minutes. I rock.
So for the rest of the night, until around 11:30, I had some interesting conversations with Elias. Well, yay. All's quiet on the western front. But then...like the Hunchback clanging the bell at Notre Dame, 11:30 hit...
Now I know what everyone is thinking. You're guessing that I'm going to tell you that somehow, demonically, a line of cars wrapped its way around the building, and all the demons wanted roast beef and our souls, right? I wish...
...at 11:30, we got a singular order. Very simple in nature, very complex and hilarious and horrible in everything else....I'm just going to reiteratate my conversation with him (yes, we had a conversation, via drive thru speaker) as best I can though I make no promises on the complete accuracy as I still can't entirely believe this happened....This caller will henceforth be known as the King of the Bigots (KotB). You will understand in due course...
*ding ding*
Elias: FUCKING IDIOTS! I HATE CUSTOMERS!
Me: *chuckles softly* Hi! Thanks for chosing Arby's drive thru, can I get you a chicken cordon combo today? (shut up, all of you, I have to say that or they'll fire me)
KotB: *drunk/stoned off his ass and speaking with a mild southern twang* Do y'all have MILKSHAKES?
Me: Yes, we do. We have vanilla, chocolate, chocolate peanut butter and jamocha.
KotB: JAMOCHA? WTF is JAMOCHA?
Me: It's chocolate coffee. A lot of people like it...
KotB: Oh..well...I only want it if you put a black woman in the cup...do you put a black woman in the cup?
Me: Excuse me?
KotB: BLACK WOMAN! IS SHE IN THE CUP!?
Me: Ummm...no, sorry, just the chocolate coffee...
KotB: Oh..ok...well...it doesn't matter 'cus I don't trust the quality of y'alls black women...and it's only good if she's upside down in the cup...so I'll just have a chocolate...
Me: *LAUGHING MY ASS OFF* OK!!!! What size? *continues laughing*
KotB: Medium...
Me: *Note: at this point I cannot stand up, I'm laughing so hard as this guy is clearly too intoxicated to know what he is saying* OK sir, pull up to the window and we'll have your total there...
KotB: *at the window* I bet y'all see more of that in HOLLYWOOD. *drives away, swerving slightly and runs over a median*
Me: *still laughing*
Elias: I can't believe that just happened...
Me: I love people.
*5 minutes later*
Elias saunters (yes, he saunters) up to me as I'm resting my arms head on my arms on the drive thru ledge, looking longingly outside at the clear night, still pondering the previous events. The following conversation ensues...
Elias: Hey, unless you absolutely have to be, don't be at that window.
Me: *paying no heed* Why?
Elias: Well, apparently a crackhead has taken up residence in our parking lot. I saw him slouching past the front door a minute ago.
Me: *jumps away from window and looks for a large bat to wield, should said crackhead get through the window* Seriously?
Elias: Yeah, I could tell he was a crackhead because he was slouched over and moving faster than any normal person should. Not to mention the whole sleeping in a parking lot thing...
Me: We're going to die tonight, aren't we?
*Enter Dawn*
Dawn: Let's just hope he's too high to realize how easy it is to get through that window...but if he isn't...Elias, you beat him off of Ashley while I call the cops.
Elias: Stay away from the fucking window.
*Dark figure slouches past front door again*
Curtain
So..in conclusion kids...
a) don't do crack
b) REASON NUMBER 857 TO FINISH COLLEGE: THIS ENTIRE NIGHT
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Hahaha... let's see... (this'll take awhile)
1) guy exposing himself in the drive thru and he was, ah, "standing at attention." He did not get his frosty or his change as I beleive he heard the shrieks and finally left.
2) calling the cops on people hanging out in the parking lot, guy pulls up to the window wanting the district manager's number and claiming he could get the guys' last names because he had "secret clearances" because he was "in the military". This is because he loitered, we threatened to call the police and Dave Thomas and said to stop flocking but apparently in his mind we were constantly cursing at him (not true at all).
3) not present or working at the store yet for this one. relayed to us by one of our managers. Crazy lady in car PACKED with people pulls up to the drive thru. Told that it is 12:15, drive thru closes at midnight. She says "you're lying to me its 11:45," proceeds to flip out at the speaker. Manager tells crew to STAY AWAY FROM THE DRIVE THRU WINDOWS cuz this lady's psycho high and drunk. Lady drives to window. bangs on window so loud it can be heard across the store in the office. Demands small chili. Police called, 6 cop cars arrive. Surround her in the drive thru and block her in. Determined not drunk, for some reason didn't do drug test. Not so hungry that she'll take cops advice to go to McDonalds a block down which is open 24 hours. Takes Wendy's to court over this twice. She loses obviously.
4) Red Lion, relayed by Jess. Woman gets impatient waiting in line. Tells workers that someone once started shooting everyone because they had to wait too long for their food. Red Lion now has cameras on the customers.
Oh yeah, from today's experience. Advice to females: If you're wearing a short skirt, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure it hasn't scrunched up before you get to the drive thru window. We don't want to see your underwear, and if it's too far gone, we can try moving around in our small area but its still too visible!
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