Blues on the Bayou

Overall, Philly was amazing. It was good to see Jo, meet some of her friends, and get away from the pressure of class and general stress that comes along with living in such a politically charged city. However, I am glad to be back. On the ride home, I slept for a while, and when I woke up the first thing I saw was the Capitol, lit up and glorious, and it brought a huge smile to my face.

On a quick note before I get down to the point behind this entry...I'm just going to say, quite simply, my phone should NEVER be with me when I drink. Ever again.

Anyways, so I had some time to think on the way home and I started pondering friendships, relationships and the like. For the most part, my high school ties have more or less dissipated in the year and change I've been away from York. I'll chat with a few people occasionally, see some over breaks, but that bond is gone. For a long time I really struggled over this, constantly questioning why I didn't understand the people who had once mattered to me so much, why I no longer craved their company. I've ultimately come to the conclusion that for the most part, my friendships in high school were situational. We were all in a similar place, had some things in common and formed friendships over that. The reason for this? I was more or less closed off from everyone in York. I don't know why, maybe it was fear of being judged and deemed not worthy enough, but whatever it was, I let very few (maybe 2 or 3 all together) know who I was truly was and what I was truly like.

I take complete responsibility for this. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back, I was foolish and overly self conscious. But I also can't change the past and it is the way it is. Towards the end (I'd say sophomore year and after) I opened up a lot more to a select few people. Not so coincidently, those are the people I'm still close with now. Those people know me (and I know them) incredibly well and I can honestly just list off their characteristics that I like, cherish and admire. Interestingly enough, that's something I can do for every person at college that I consider a close friend, and I think they can do the same for me. Why? Because I opened myself up, I let people get to know the real me and in the process I was able to get to know the real personalities of other people.

So what does this all mean? It means that I'm growing up. Slowly I'm developing more self confidence (thanks in large part to my roommate tactifully informing me of my utter dependence on others, rather then myself). The fact that this process started in high school with a few people, and continues with them, makes me really proud. I'm glad that I recognized (at least subconsciously) what I was doing and did something to change it. Do I wish I could have this with everyone? Hell yeah, but like I said, hindsight is 20/20.

I was discussing this with my mom while waiting for the bus. And she remarked that she found it odd that the 2 people from York that I'm still close to were the ones she thought would be the first to go, because I'd known them the least amount of time. I guess, at the end of it all, it came down to quality vs quantity. A lot of time is not necessarily quality time. Again, I take complete responsbility for this. It's my fault that my friendships were so shallow, because of my own insecurities.

I think the reason I no longer crave those shallow relationships is because I know so much more of deeper relationships, of other people truly knowing who I am and what I'm all about and vice versa, and how much more fulfilling they are.

So...to all from high school and York in general...cheers to every last one of you. You've all help shape who I am today, and I thank you for that. This is in no way, shape or form good bye. It's just me entering into a different realization, a different era of my evolution as a person.

To the two Yorkers (and you know who you are) who knew me way back then, and accepted me as I was, and continue to put up with me...Words really can't describe you, so I'm not even going to try. But let's just say I'm looking forward to a lot of late night conversations over nothing and making a lot of memories.

To newest additions to my life...the college and DC people...Well...thank god you guys know me now as opposed to knowing me in high school. I don't think you would have put up with my closed, confused self for even one minute. I have issues, I'm working on them. But like I said, I can list off the reasons why I love you guys and I'd be more then happy to list it off to you. I'm seeing a lot of great things in all of your futures, and I'm just honestly glad that I've gotten the opportunity to befriend all of you. And I'm amazed that you, in turn, call me a friend as well. If I had a glass, I'd raise it for you, for your pasts, presents and futures, for the memories we have made and will make.

Cheers, mates. My hat (fedora) goes off to all of you for where you're going, and how you've changed my life.