The Whole Nine Yards...

...STORY TIME!!!...

Rewind to last night, at 5:30. I schlepp to Ward for my Policing in America block lecture. Yadda yadda yadda. I take the quiz and sit there, happily text messaging away while we wait for the guest lecture (Brett Parson of the MPD) to get there.

Background: Brett is the head of MPD's special Gay/Lesbian task force. They deal with everything from community relations to homicides, and he's actually a pretty cool guy. Very typical cop. Loud, "fuck" is every other word out of his mouth, and incredibly amusing.

So, Brett's pretty cool and he tells some stories to illustrate the points about his job that he's trying to make. Suddenly he stops and looks intently around the room, before focusing on me. The following conversation ensues...

Brett: Hi Ashley
Ashley: Hi Brett.
Brett: How are you?
Ashley: Fine thanks, yourself?
Brett: Pretty damn good. Now, you've got...what do you call it...dirty blonde hair? It's dirty? Yeah..not saying that you're dirty, maybe you are, I don't know..but your hair...dirty blonde, right?
Ashley: Right
Brett: Kinda thick and wavy?
Ashley: I suppose so.
Brett: Wearing a a skirt? Pretty short?
Ashley: Uhh...yeah..*increasingly uncomfortable*
Brett: Make up? Little bit?
Ashley: Masscara *waves in the general facial area*
Brett: Boobs? Those yours, right? I mean, I assume they are, but you could have had a boob job or something, right?
Ashley: *blinks in shock, glances at Professor Morabito, who looks horrified. Coughs* Yeah...they're...uh...mine
Brett: OK people, so take a good look at Ashley here. Now imagine that you're a cop. It's 2 in the morning and you're patrolling New York Ave when suddenly a car shoots by like a bat out of hell. You turn on the lights...and you're getting excited...because you know, lights are awesome. And you pull the car over. Inside sits someone who looks a lot like Ashley...very clearly female...and you ask for license, registration and proof of insurance. You look down at the license, shine the light on it, and see, very clearly under sex a giant "M." Well...what exactly do you do here? There's what appears to be a woman in the car...but on the license...there's a MAN?! WHAT THE HELL?!?! Well...I can tell you what to do...but I'd rather tell you what NOT to do...and do you know what that is? You do NOT yank the driver out of the car, at GUN POINT, and scream "DO YOU HAVE A DICK OR NOT!?" at them. That results in a 5 million dollar harassment suit against the District of Columbia.

So...yeah...apparently there's a transvestite running around New York Ave that looks a hell of a lot like me.

Adam thinks that I pray to the gods of fate and ask for this weird crap to happen to me. I think they just happen to hate me.