So y'all know that terrorism class thingy that I'm participating in? Well...when I signed up for it I honestly was unaware that listening to 40 year old men's sexual innuendos was going to part of the job description. But I guess I just should have figured...
Details, you beg for? Gladly. So I get to Anderson Terrace just a wee bit late and I drop into a chair next to Hot Guy and I'm all like *grin* and he's all like *grin* and then I'm all like yeah...that's right.
So I slid my headset onto my ears, pick up my list of numbers and start making calls. The first few were no answers or answering machines, very typical. Then I get to a number that I know to be New York City, specifically Brooklyn. Now, this would frighten most people but past experience indicates that New Yorkers are among the most likely to be willing to answer a survey so I'm all like YAY!
Oh how wrong I was. Actually...let me rephrase that....oh how RIGHT I was. I was TOO RIGHT. I was so right that it should be criminal to be that right. Getting an answer, I go into my schpiel. When the guy said, more then enthuasiastically, that he would be all too happy to answer my survey...I should have hung up right then...
So I start questioning the guy...and recording his answers...or at least part of them...because if I recorded everything he said to me I would have had a document approximately as long as the Qu'ran. On every other question he went off into some indepth discussion about god knows what. If he had been slurring his words at all, I would have thought he was drunk, but unfortunately this man was completely sober.
To give y'all an idea of this man's...um...verbosity...this survey takes about 15 minutes to complete, but I've gotten it done in ten. I was on the phone with this man for an hour and five minutes. AN HOUR AND FIVE MINUTES. He was so clinically ill that at one point he wanted MY OPINIONS on the questions. I just sat there dumb founded before saying "Sorry sir, I can't give you any of my personal beliefs, we're afraid they might bias your opinions or curb your answers, and that's what we're really interested in." The man then took this as leave to talk even LONGER. At one point he actually had a call on the other line. He told me to "hold on for one second. I've got to go get rid of another call."
I almost felt bad wishing that call was someone telling him his dog had just been run over or something. Almost.
When he came back, he got just a tad too friendly. He started calling me "hon" and "sweetheart" at every chance he got. Then, when I refused to give him my personal opinion again, he said "You know darling, you're a real tough cookie...you should be working in the government! Our country needs people like you!" He later praised my patriotism and said "God bless you...and you know what? God bless America." DAMN I WISH I WAS A BUDDHIST SO I COULD HAVE BEEN ALL LIKE "Buddha will strike you down while you sleep!" But alas, I could not.
When the survey was over, he decided to tell me about his newly published book that I should "buy and bring to Brooklyn" so he could "sign it for me" because he "would really love to meet" me.
*dies of intense unhappy*
After that terrifying experience was over...I ripped my headset off my ears, laid my head down on a keyboard while Hot Guy was just like "THAT WAS ALL ONE CALL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
But you know what the worst part of all of this was? Despite having only 2 hours to make calls instead of 3 (because Psycho Brooklyn Man took up so much of my time) I still got more surveys completed than anyone else. And you know what else? They were ALL done by men.
Today's lesson, kiddos? Apparently I am not meant for something so lofty as law school or graduate work. Apparently I have no higher calling in life then being a telemarketer. Or may a 1-900 line operator.
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