Where are my shoes? YES! Have you seen my shoes? Fuck it. I'm going without shoes. I'm going shoeless

**WARNING: Sleep and caffeine deprived Ashley is oddly giddy. Continue at your own risk.**

**DISCLAIMER: Owner, operator and author of this blog refuses to take responsibility for any bodily injury that occur at the direct or indirect influence of the following words. Law suits will not be tolerated and will be met with deadly force (much like the Detroit PD).**

Today was...interesting...fell asleep around 3 this morning after staring at my ceiling for about 2 hours saying: "mutter freakin mutter grumble HATE mutter grumble freakin LOATHE freakin mutter." Then...around 7:30 this morning I was rudely awakened by the most obnoxious alarm clock. EVER. Seriously people, I ask you to recall the sound of fire alarms. Yes, even those at 3 in the morning. Everyone have a good idea of exactly how painful they are? OK...now amplify that by about 23 and you have my level of pain this morning.

At this point all I can really think is "well...god hates me..but coffee loves me, everything will be ok." So I stumble blindly into the kitchen and make my way towards the empty coffee pot...cleaning it out quickly and preparing my giant cup of death before going to the refridgerator to get the coffee out...I pull out the giant blue canister of Maxwell House and pull back the lid only to discover...yep, you guessed it...WE'RE FREAKIN OUT OF COFFEE....Maxwell..whoever you are...I DO NOT HEART YOU ANYMORE! I will not name any of my children after you!! Bastard.

By now it's around 7:50 and I have no hope of going back to sleep so I get a blanket and curl up under it on a couch, hoping that I'm still asleep and just having a really fucked up dream. Obviously...I can't do this all day...so at a reasonable hour...10 or something like that...I pick up my phone...and decide to call a few people before heading to the post office...as Adam will probably later testify...and give my voicemail over as exhibit A...I undoubtedly was very loony at this time...

...at this point I'm starving and still lacking essential, loving caffeine in my system, so I decide to go to SubWay to get a sandwich and a coke. As I'm walking back to my car...feeling slightly rejuvenated...I glance at a car's bumper...and what do I see there...the American flag...and the words "THESE STRIPES WILL NEVER RUN." Does anyone from AU remember Sara's friend Sophia? The one who was very cool but had a fascination with really really really bad advertisements and had a collection of them? IF THIS BUMPER STICKER COULD BE CONSIDERED AN ADVERTISEMENT IT WOULD BE THE FLAGSHIP OF HER COLLECTION!! It was just so bad...I continued to drink my coke and could only mutter, as I walked away, "God...I love America..." While I think on a very basic level this is the sort of patriotism the designers of this bumper sticker were hoping to dredge up out of people, I don't think they would have appreciated my...shall we say...subtle rolling of eyes, clicking of teeth and general sarcasm...

ON TO THE NEXT RIDICULOUS EVENT...

I'm home alone and kind of bored...did a bit of work on the novel (mostly research at this point) and couldn't really think of anything better to do with my time then channel surf. So I'm curled up, yet again on a couch under a blanket, happily surfing through the endless array of meaningless entertainment when what should I come across but ESPN. Now most of you are thinking "oh..it was horse racing or bull fighting or something else ridiculous and barbaric that inspired a typical Ash rant" I bet. Don't lie. It's OK. But I can assure you that what I'm about to tell you will horrify you and probably your children...ESPN was postponing the broadcasting of Sports Center (whatever that may be) so that they could broadcast, live, from the District...nothing but the NATIONAL SPELLING BEE CHAMPIONSHIPS.

In order to sum up how I'm feeling...I'm going to impart on y'all the words of wisdom my darling, schitzophrenic Uncle Frisco taught my pet cockatail (Tweety) to say while he was watching him while we were in Costa Rica...

NGA NGA NGA!!!!!!!!!

Adieu. Carpe diem. Vive la Revolution!