...I feel that I can adequately tell this tale...
So on Sunday morning everyone who had...how shall we say...drank themselves silly at the party the day before was feeling kind of...off. Without exception to this, my mother was feeling "ehhhh...god hates me...must die...." and requested that I run down to the gas station (on base) to pick her up a cup of coffee. She handed me my dad's credit card and I figured, "eh, why not? It's right down the road and she's too ill to drive right now..."
So I walk into the store, fill up my little cup of coffee and proceed to the checkout queue where I had the following conversation with a cashier.
So on Sunday morning everyone who had...how shall we say...drank themselves silly at the party the day before was feeling kind of...off. Without exception to this, my mother was feeling "ehhhh...god hates me...must die...." and requested that I run down to the gas station (on base) to pick her up a cup of coffee. She handed me my dad's credit card and I figured, "eh, why not? It's right down the road and she's too ill to drive right now..."
So I walk into the store, fill up my little cup of coffee and proceed to the checkout queue where I had the following conversation with a cashier.
Ash: Good morning
Cashier: Hi. Credit, debit or cash?
Ash: Credit
Cashier: Ok, with a credit card I need to see ID.
Sidenote: The day before my mom had purchased a similar cup of coffee (on the same credit card) without ID. The back of the card is signed so, by civilian law, she can't request identification. Also, please note for future reference: on base, you can't use any credit card that's not your own. Continuing on...
Ash: Uh, I don't have ID and it's my dad's credit card, at any rate.
Cashier: I can't take that then.
Ash: Well that's the only way I can pay, I don't have my purse with me...
Cashier: Well, that's stealing and I'm going to have to call...
the MPs...Ash: *blind panic* Uhh...*stutter* Umm...
Cashier: *picks up phone*
Ash: *thinks fast* Listen, I'm really sorry, I'm visiting my cousin who just got back from Iraq and I'm not usually on military bases. Let me leave my credit card here with you as collateral and run back to his house on Jacksoon Loop to get cash for you...
Cashier: *hard stare* *2 minute pause* I'll just dump it out this time, but make sure this doesn't happen again
Ash: Absolutely not. *Exit stage left* *Que tears and shock*
Now, most of you probably aren't familiar with the military, much like me, so let me pull you into the loop as to why this was so utterly and horrifically horrible. When you're on a base, any crime committed is an automatic felony resulting in immediate detention in a federal prison until such time as your bail can be posted. My cousin Ruthann actually got thrown into a federal prison for about 4 days once for driving 2 mph above the speed limit on base.
So for you slow students out there let me break it down for you...I nearly...
-Got thrown into federal prison for at least a day for attempting to buy a cup of coffee
and
-Almost had my entire future destroyed because, as you're probably aware, the FBI and government in general will not hire anyone with a felony on their record. I'm over 18 so that little incident would not get expunged and you can be damn certain that all it would say would be "Felony: theft on a military base." I'm pretty sure they would neglect to mention the fact that it was a cup of coffee that I had the money for.
I think there's pretty much only one way to sum up that particular occurance in the life of Ash...
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