It's not very often that I feel defeated by the world or by my life. The last time it happened was when I was unfortunate enough to end up on the scene of a homicide. I think you'll all agree that those are slightly extenuating circumstances. If you don't, well, you're a bit of a wanker. But that's beside the point. When I get that feeling of utter and total defeat, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. Right where I am. Wherever that may be. For some odd reason, it usually ends up on the side of a road somewhere. After the homicide incident, I was walking home down Nebraska when the intense desire to give up and sleep took over.
Not this past Saturday, but the Saturday before I was happily attempting to drag Thomas out of the car to soccer practice. My phone rang so I ended my cajoling just long enough to answer it and inform whoever it was that I couldn't speak at the time. However, the caller was my mom. Her news was dire. My cousin, Tia (aged 46 I believe) had passed away that morning.
My immediate response was utter silence. Then the full reality hit me. When most people say that they're probably thinking "wow...I'll never see *insert name here* again..." but my full reality was entirely different. Mine was that my great Aunt Jo and my great Uncle Danny (Tia's parents) had 6 children all together. 2 of their 3 boys (Danny and Chris) had died in tragic accidents in the previous years. Danny had a concussion or something from a fall from a swing and Chris died in a motorcycle accident.
Oh, and by the way, Tia had two children, Amy and Kane. Amy was 24, Kane is my age (20). We all used to play together when they'd come up to PA in the summer or I'd go down there to visit. Kane and I were particuarly close. Her husband, Tim, was so devestated that he couldn't function.
Just to paint a very clear picture for you, my aunt and uncle (who are the most decent, hard working, welcoming people in the world) had already buried two of their children and were about the bury a third. No one should ever have to bury one child, let alone three. No one deserves that.
As soon as this hit me, I completely lost it and started wailing. I scared Thomas and the other kids in the car with my uncontrollable sobbing, I think. Like I said, it's not very often that I feel defeated by the world, but this was one of those instances and I nearly collapsed outside of NCS.
Somehow I got it together enough to finish out my day at work (a Thundercats applaud goes out to [Wily]Kat here, she made it a lot easier for me. During the course of the rest of the day I called my mom and asked her if she could pick me up on the way to Tennessee, so I could be with my family during this time. Obviously she agreed, and I think she was proud of me for not only going without being asked, but for wanting to go. Oddly enough, that means a lot to me.
Well, upon getting back to campus, I was depressed as hell. At this point I didn't just feel defeated by humanity, but I felt defeated by the cosmos, God, the Great Eternal, whatever you want to call it, I honestly felt like my family was on the chopping block.
Getting trapped in the elevator for a few minutes didn't help.
[Wily]Kat, being a fantastic and decent friend and roommate, refused to let me do my usual "I want to mope alone" thing and made me continue w/what we have come to call "Roommate Time." After a lot of take out and a round of pool, she broke out the vodka. It's against my better sensibilities to drink when I'm that upset but I believe my exact thought was "Fuck it...god's got it in for me anyways..." and more or less said cheers.
I got so blitzed I was just a notch below Bad British Accent Ash and Ash who wanders up to random strangers and says things like "If you're supposed to be Asian, why are you so tall?"
After drunk dialing Adam and Jo and serenading them with Better than Ezra's "Good" I proceeded to pass out during X2.
So the next day (Sunday) by 4, I was en route to the backhills of Tennessee. An apology goes out to everyone I left in the lurch. I didn't call you guys because a) I didn't really have time and b) I wasn't in the mood to talk and get the sympathy I knew I would get because you're all good people.
Here's where it starts gettin' good.
We were making great time and would probably have shaved at least an hour off our trip. Until we hit the central/southern Virginia mountains. And a snowstorm. In the mountains. Yeah. More than once I was convinced we were gonna die, but somehow, we evaded all of that. Not really sure how, maybe divine intervention, we lived to tell the tale.
Now my Aunt and Uncle live about 30 miles outside of Maryville, which is about 30 miles outside of Knoxville and Pigeon Forge. For those of you not familiar with Tennessee geography (which I suspect is the vast majority), that puts you smack in the middle of the Smokey Mountains. And they're beautiful. Breathtaking even, I'm posting pictures in a later entry.
Arriving at around four am, I consoled my aunt and uncle as best I knew how, had a cup of tea and passed the fuck out until around 12 the next day. That's when everything really got started.
I'm not going to give you the details so much as highlight the event of the week, but believe it or not, this experience which should have been miserable and horrendous, turned out completely amazing. It was wonderful to spend so much time away from civilization, with my family. I rediscovered the intense loyalty and love I have for those people, and learned the fact that they reciprocate entirely back to me.
Tia's funeral was painful, yet healing. She's buried at the end of a cliff even deeper in the moutanins that my aunt and uncle's, beside a lake and a forest that apparently reminds my mother of the forests they played in as children. It was sweet and simple, just as her life, and I think she's at peace now. The women of my family grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it over the casket. The men picked up shovels and closed the grave themselves. The funeral procession was miles long and my cousin Kane nearly jumped out of his car and beat a guy for driving in the procession when he wasn't supposed to. Rightfully so, that man was disrespecting his mother.
At any rate, the entire trip was really healing for me, and spending that time with my family was much needed. But anyways...on to the highlights...
1) Learning how to shoot a rifle, shoot skeet and the ensuing conversations.
Ash: *cocks weapon* PULL! *aims* *hits small clay plate, scattering shards* *grins*
Uncle Davis: Um...Ash...you've never shot a gun before today, right?
Ash: I kind of hate guns...yeah...
Uncle Davis: I'm a little scared that you hit a plate on one of your first goes...
Ash: Mwahaha
2) I'm not really going to say what I did here, mostly because it's horribly illegal. All I'm going to say is you know that scene in the new Dukes of Hazzard where Luke takes a huge gulp of an interesting clear substance that's obviously not water? Yeah. That's not physically possible, I don't care how long you've lived in the hills.
3) Driving up to the very top of the mountains in the area. And having the following conversation with Kane
Kane: *insert heaviest Southern accent you can imagine here* Now Ash...if you're up here alone, and by God I don't know why you would be...do not stop at that house...those are bad people there..
Ash: Umm...ok...how so?
Kane: *sings the music from Deliverance*
Ash: Gotcha
Kane: *pulls out shotgun from underneath seat, places in lap for "safety*
Ash: Ummm...yeah...that can't be good
Kane: Look over yonder! There's a dog on that there roof! Now that ain't somethin' you be seein' every damn day. A goat, sure, but not a dog.
Ash: *snaps picture like a damn tourist*
4) Getting my dragon rites. By this I mean being able to drive the part of TN-129 that consists of 13 back to back hairpin turns that's known as the Dragon.
5) Staying up late talking to my cousin Mark (who is curiously similar to Adam) while he played the guitar.
6) Waking up every morning to the fog rolling over the Smokeys (pictures to come).
7) My entire family having at least 2 drinks before going to Tia's services as a way of sending her off in good spirits.
8) Taking out my uncle Davis' Avalanche for "supplies" with my mildly intoxicated ex-cousin-by-marriage Mark (the other Mark's father).
Ash: *cackles evilly and jumps up into Avalanche* C'mon Mark! Let's go!
Mark: Umm...maybe you shouldn't be driving a car you can barely get in to...
Ash: Lies. *starts engine, attemps to peel out, fails miserably due to weight of vehicle and stone driveway, proceeds to roar down driveway and into a bend* MWAHAHA!
Mark: I'd like to see my kids again...
9) Talks of politics with Uncle Danny at 12 at night. God knows why I enjoyed these.
10) Aunt Jo hanging up laundry on clotheslines while saying "Look, ye Fullen descendents, and remember thy roots"
I got a lot out of Tennessee. A renewed sense of love for family and friends and a renewed hatred for drama. I plan to smash the drama in my life with a calm and steady weapon of mass destruction and I'm doing my best to avoid those who cause me the most angst. Life's too short to be constantly wrapped up in problems.
Incidently, I also got the plague while there.
Rest in peace, Tia. You've led a long, difficult life and you've earned your slumber. You will be missed, but this is not goodbye, simply adieu.
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